Das Geständnis-zimmer ♥

Yeah, so I haven't updated in like a month. I don't know why, I'm just too busy.
So it's a long weekend, no school tomorrow. Yes.
I need to get a Halloween costume still - I don't know what I'm going to be, the Joker, or Anne Boleyn, or a Nazi Zombie. Heheh.
I need to get a pair of uggs too.
So this month - I finished my first art project. 7 more to go. I have to work on a project this weekend for Drama. Painting. Painting on a canvas is really, really fun.
As for the drama in my life - Don't know if Blair hates me or not. Apparently he was mad at me because I didn't say hi to him when he came back from Ontario. So, I was in a bad mood? Shoot me. I don't think he hates me... at least if he does it isn't apparent. I hung out with him, Sam and Marisa during the free period today, played trackdown in the woods again. Sam threw a mushroom or two at me.
And Liz, well, Liz absolutely despises me. I wrote her an email basically telling her that I know shes saying stuff about me and how I think we both should grow up and deal with each other. Now I think she's hating me even more than she did before.

OKAY... now the FUN part.
I like Troy Fisher again. The other day, I was in a skit with him in Drama - he acted as a gay guy. He was hilarious and made me laugh as always - and what was different was that he talked to me normally. And he made eye contact with me.
Today in drama he found this skirt and put it on - and came up to me, asking me what I thought of it. He had a sign taped over his crotch that said "No Girls Allowed". I laughed and told him I thought it was hot.
He specifically talked to ME. ME. ME ME ME ME ME!!!!!
And he was looking at me when he was sitting up in the audience chairs.... I saw him a few times.
I'm excited.

I hate how I can't hate him.
If that makes any sense.
Today, I talked to Blair, and hung out with him, Sam and Marisa during the Free. Played trackdown in the woods. Maybe it's just my inability to hold a grudge, or maybe it's just the fact that I know I'd be kinda lost if all of a sudden he wasn't my friend. Sure, he can be a huge asshole sometimes, but everyone can, everyone is at some point.
He knew though, Sam must have told him I was mad at him - but I foolishly said, 'I'm not mad at you anymore'. Well. I guess I'm not.
That rant, however, at it's time of creation, did make me feel slightly better.
But I'm over it now, and things are back to whatever I'd call "normal".
Sometimes this can be so confusing.
I'm home with Dad and Matt until Sunday. Mom is off to Vancouver. I wonder how this will be... I was cranky this morning for the first time in forever.

Yeah. I can't wait for the weekend. Again.
Haha.

BLAIR IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET. I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER DATED THAT PIECE OF SHIT.
I FUCKING HATE HIM. HE'S AN INCONSIDERATE DOUCHEBAG, PROCEEDS TO TELL ME HIS MOM THINKS IM THE BIGGEST BITCH THIS MORNING, DOESN'T EVER THINK THAT WOULD FUCKING HURT MY FEELINGS, DOESNT EVEN SAY HI JUST TELLS ME THAT. FUCKER. AND ALL MY FRIENDS, NONE OF THEM SAID HI TO ME TODAY, EXCEPT FOR ALEXIS AND HAYLEE AND REBECCA. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF BLAIRS MOM HATES ME, SHE CAN GO AHEAD AND HATE ME, CAUSE THIS TIME I DIDN'T DO A FUCKING THING TO HER OR BECCA OR BLAIR OR ANYTHING. THOUGHT I'M A BITCH BECAUSE I REPLIED TO REBECCAS COMMENT AND DIDN'T PUT AN LOL OR ANYTHING AND SHE THOUGHT I WAS BEING SARCASTIC. WELL IS THIS LMAO GOOD ENOUGH ? , CAUSE NOW I'M A BITCH BECAUSE I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF!
 FUCK HER, FUCK BLAIR, FUCK EVERYONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME.
DON'T LIKE ME FOR WHO I FUCKING AM, FUCK YOU
SIDEWAYS,
BACKWARDS
AND UPSIDE DOWN.
YEAH BLAIR I'M NOT FUCKING TALKING TO YOU, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH, TROUBLE MAKING, FAGGOT.
FUCKING ASS.

I FEEL BETTER NOW.
GOD.

Yeah, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.
I don't know who I like. Could be one (or more) of three people - and liking any one of them is POINTLESS.
And you gotta love how I can't be honest even with myself in my own journal. I don't want to say any names, I feel like someone is lurking over my shoulder or something. I'm very paranoid. I won't say any names - but I got to describe the people and why  me liking them is pointless.

Person number one - Even thinking about liking him is absolutely stupid, because I know he doesn't return the feelings. I know. He's simply helplessly screwed in the head now anyways. Though i guess I still haven't gotten the idea out of my head that it's comforting to have his arm around me, to sit beside him and to talk to him. I still love looking into his beautiful blue eyes. We're friends - and sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if we weren't friends anymore. But he's like a good restaurant. I keep going back.

Person number two - This is even more pointless. He's out of my reach entirely, on an entire different level. Even if he wasn't, I doubt he'd notice the way I stop and stare as he walks by anyway. He knew at one point that I liked him (this isn't the first time), and obviously didn't care. It doesn't help that I have a class with him either - he always makes me laugh. I love him because he's so funny. I keep trying to talk to him, but I think he still has some pompous attitude and a "oh she's a freak" opinion about me. In a way, he's a joke. Not in a good way either.

Person number three - The newest realization - but I don't even think this is anything true. Maybe it's just because I'm trying to make person number one notice me. Or maybe because I'm just so deprived of love. I'm just starting to get to know this guy - at first I hated him. But he's really nice, and funny. The funny factor comes back in, oh no. But it's pointless to even bother, because I don't even know what he's up to - and he might like someone else.

Ya know what? I'm going to bed.

Today is Whitey and Quincy's 10th Birthday, lol. Mom went out and bought a DQ cake for them, and she said she's going to give them some. I had a weird dream this morning, and woke up at like, 6 o clock literally bawling my eyes out. Went back to sleep though, and got up at like almost 11. My throat is still sore today.
I'm kinda tired. Don't want to go back for another five day week of school. Again. But there's acting classes this Tuesday and my braces appt too. I dunno, I feel like blah kinda right now.
I'm going to go, maybe write for a bit, then maybe go outside and like squeeze the hell out of Johnny like I've done twice already today. He's so cute out there today. Freak dog.
And I gotta spend time with the birthday cats :)
- RK

Enjoyed sleeping in. Finished In Tranzit, it was okay. Thomas was hot, but the movie was like, not one I'd watch again. Mom got me office 2007 =). So now I can write again in style. My throat is sore. Went out and pre-ordered Halo: 3 ODST and bought GH: Aerosmith and a new guitar. Chilled for the remainder of the day.
Best part - no school.

Went to the dance last night - IT WAS SIMPLY WICKED. I had so much fun, danced myself silly. Alexis, Blair, Rebecca, Sam, John, Marisa and Emily were there. I was too tired to update last night when I got home - I was truly exhausted. Me and Alexis danced crazy a lot, and we even started a group where these random people we didn't even know came over and danced crazy with us. It was so much fun. And I'm starting to get to know John better - he is pretty cool.
Today was alright, though I was very tired during school. Had Drama first, so I kinda was energetic. In a game, Troy shoved me. And I shoved him back. I must say with Drama I'm becoming a more extroverted person - I'm not afraid to do anything and I'm up for anything! I'm able to strike up conversations with people I hardly know and interact with everyone. I'm so excited! I'm in an Acting class, too, which starts next Tuesday. Apparently a well known actress is teaching the class. Amanda and Trevor are in it too, so I won't be alone. Not that I'd mind being alone really, anyway.
I love what I'm becoming!
Made a 96 on my Canadian History test. :D Yay.
We had pizza tonight, mmmm. Greco pizza. And we watched some of King Kong, just to see Thomas Kretschmann. :)
And I'm getting crazily better at GH3 on the Medium level. Got like all 90%s on the songs.
Oh, and I found out today that I have $195 that I have no real clue what to do with. I mean I don't really want anything atm, except for a qwerty phone and Microsoft Word 2007. Haha. But they're trivial things, ya know? I don't need a phone, I don't need MW '07. I need to open a debit account, srsly.
But yeah, I will be able to sleeeeeeep innn tomorrow!!! TGIF!
In case it isn't obvi, I'm HAPPY.
-Ashley

Today was alright. Sam and Katie are on my bus now as far as I know. Double drama was really fun. At lunchtime, Alexis and Rebecca and I went into the music room into a soundproof room and played around on the drumset. We were all angry at different things so we took our anger out on that. I felt better afterwards.
Dunno what the fuck is with Blair. Even Rebecca is thinking he's gay now. He certainly looks gay. And acts gay. And he's wearing John's sweater. Like wtf who does that. I'm glaaaaaad I don't like him anymore. He's being an ass to everyone lately. Rebecca's starting to get really mad at him and John, so am I.
Know one thing for sure though. If anything happens like that, I'm so not going to hang out with him, for obvious reasons.  
Yeah.  Omg though, on the bus, Danielle and I said "Auf wiedersehen" to Nico, the German guy, and he smiled super huge. Haha. The dance is tomorrow night, and I didn't buy a ticket today, so I'm not sure if I'm gonna pay $7 to go to a dance that I'm not sure I'll even have fun at. I probably should though because I will force myself to have fun.
Yeeah. I'm craving McDicks.
And for some reason, fish and chips.
And chocolate.
I want food.



 

School's going pretty good. Made a new friend, Alexis Suirane. She's awesome - we're so much alike. We have all our classes together first term and two next term. I figured I was meant to go to Art and it's not a mistake and I love it - we arleady did a project so far, a driftwood thinger.
But yeah, I have no place on the stairs anymore, which makes me kinda upset. Stupid fucking Liz sat right where I was going to sit this morning. I was pissed off and called her a bitch - hope she heard me. Rebecca's like, oh you should be nicer to Liz and I'm like no way, she's being a bitch to me, I'll treat her the same way. The greasy fat skank.
Got in a bit of a quarrel last Thurs. Thought John was saying shit so me and Katie started hating him and then Blair got right pissed off. Blair hasn't been talking to me very much lately anyway - he's too absorbed with his boyfriend John. wtf. Talked to me a bit today, more than usual.
Dunno what to think atm. Life's very... interesting.
But I'm loving Drama class - I was in two skits with Troy Fisher so far. And he was talking normal to me too, and when we played a game where you gotta point at people and they either nod or shake their head, and everyone else was shaking there head at me and Troy nodded.
I like Troy again, kinda.
Not nearly as extreme as before.
Like, I don't love him.
I don't like Blair anymore - he's acting weird anyway.
Dance this Thurs. Wonder how that will turn out.
You can only speculate.....
-Ash.

Okay. *sighs, cracks knuckles and begins*
Today was Ok. That's it. Ok.
I'm not allowed to go to the wedding - Mom and I got in a fight over that but she's not letting me go. Blair is disappointed - and so am I. I cried, and like now I got a headache from it.
Classes first term: canadian history drama and math but they screwed up and gave me IB art 12 instead of 11 and I didn't get Child studies. Teachers are cool. I got Rebecca in Canadian history and Haylee Brad and Amanda in Drama. No one in Math. And I didn't go to IB art 12.
Math is full of these preppy girls!!! O.o
So yeah, today wasn't an easy day. It went by fast.
Blair called me tonight - drunk... lol. He had a couple of shots and when I answered he was like "Hi. i.. is .. Reneee there?" and he was super fucked - he couldn't remember why he called me at first, lol. He's coming to school tomorrow believe it or not.
OMG I'm going to see him Monday at the cottage!!! :) He's coming over to see me. I'm so excited.
Yeah I love him again - I can't help it and I kinda hate myself. But yeah. He dyed his hair blonde - even though he said he wouldn't dye his hair again, lol. But yeah.
School again tomorrow. Ew.
I'm tired and I gotta go draw a pic of John-117... cause like apparently this picture of him surfaced and he's UGLY. Hes super skinny and he has a huge ass and you cant even see his face and I was like WTF. Not hot, I hate Bungie. I hope its not real.
Going now,.
Ashley